Player to Person

It’s 7am, and I just got back from an intense night of hanging out with my ex-girlfriend, smoking 20 dollar cigars, and being a douchebag.  And I came to the realization.  All the misogynistic acts I put up in the world, will never stop me from being a nice guy.  I’m really torn, because one one hand, here is this girl that loves me to death, that I truly do care a lot about, that is willing to bend over backwards for me (not that I’d ever make her do so.)  On the other hand, I have my best friend, who I am feeling less and less attached to on the daily.  My ex and I ended up making out, and I felt awful, because I now have two love interests that I am not sure who to choose between.  No matter what I do, I will probably end up devastating one of them, and I don’t know the hell is going on in my life.  I just honestly wish there was an easy button sometimes, because my ex is more like-minded than my best friend, and as feelings for my best friend subside, the feelings for my ex grow stronger.  I don’t know what to do with myself right now.  And I feel as if I’m the dirtiest worst person in the world, simply because I can’t make up my mind as to what the Hell/who I want.  My ex shares political views extremely similar to mine, we enjoy doing the same things, and we have a lot more fun of a friendship than my best friend.  Corollary, my best friend… Well, we’ve had sex and if I were to just decide suddenly that I no longer wanted to pursue a romantic interest in her… well.  It would destroy her.  I don’t know what to fucking do, and I’m a dirt bag right now, just because I don’t know who I want.  All of my anxiety/insecurity issues would be totally absolved if I were to pursue something with my ex.  But I don’t want to lose one of my best friends in the process.  Just. Fuck my life.

So, I had quite the conversation with her today.  And basically, what it came down to, was me asking her to be honest/open with me, and everything went better than expected.  Anxiety issues totally cleared up, regarding her at least.  She still likes me, I’m still in love with my best friend. Whatever.  At least I opened up to her… I don’t open up to anybody ever.  The only reason I’m writing this god damned blog is because the majority of people who read it don’t know who I am.  Anyways, I feel loads better now.  Kind of scared, because I put my heart on my sleeve a little bit.  But meh, worse things have happened.

As I think more about this girl, and what I want out of life.  I sort of realize that she and I want different things in life.  Even though she’s a great girl, I’m not seeing this working out.  And this closure has really distanced me from her I think.  Before thinking about this concept would make me anxious, but with my obvious control issues, and her more care-free attitude in life, I realized I should look for someone that is more like me.  Constantly seeking attention from their significant other.  It’s kind of saddening watching this… dream? Slip away, but at the same time. There are worse things in life than logically thinking out a crush, and not pursuing dating one of your best friends just because you had sex with her.  There are 7 billion people on this planet, 52% of which are female.  There has to be a girl that is as crazy as me out there.

It’s really weird, how I only feel anxious about this girl when I am worried about what she’s doing, mainly partying or just hanging out with people when I’m not there.  It’s a really unhealthy impulse I have to try and control everything, naturally, being able to manipulate people into doing anything I wanted to for the last 2-3 years doesn’t help this at all.  But, my control-freak’ness is going to end up being the death of me.  I don’t know how to relax and I have even less of a clue, to not worry.  This whole jealousy thing I have going on is really unbecoming, and it’s extremely hard to keep locked up.  They say you have to be able to control your demons to exorcise them (unless they are saying exercise, doubtful) but holy shit.  This is a demon and a half for someone like me to deal with.  I am going from being able to smooth talk any girl at any point in my life, into anything.  To just letting things happen, take their course, and holding my tongue.  Which is why I think this whole anxiety thing is happening.  I am so worried about what she is doing, that I can’t even calm down.  I don’t know how anybody has a meaningful relationship with anybody else if they get bothered like this just because someone is busy.  It’s really, really, REALLY an unbecoming trait to have to care too much, and maybe this influx of caring that I haven’t felt in the last few years is what is causing me to do this… overcompensation of caring.  It could also be the fact that I am damaged goods, because the first real girlfriend I had/cared about could have pulled a Maury episode with me with how many times she cheated on me.  Love sucks, it’s way easier to hide in a shell and just take a step the fuck back and judge everybody else’s life while living an empty one yourself.  But I want to prove to myself that there is a point to this all, because ultimately, if this is a worst case scenario, my experiment failed, there is no hope for me to share any sort of emotions with any other human-being, and ultimately I am destined to die alone, either surrounded by whores, or doing something awesome, like said whores.

Regardless, maybe I’ll get more into my rocky past with women in a future note.  Good night tumblr world.  Try and spread word around about me, I need feedback. Doing stuff like this anonymously to make myself better is a really tough thing to do, and when I don’t get feedback, it’s even harder to tell whether I am reversing or going forward in a pursuit to become a better person.

Just got done hanging out with my “friend.” Just spent a chill night inside, watched a movie with her roommates and one of my buddies.  Didn’t really do anything else.  Just hung out, it was nice.  I liked the part where I sat there for like 30 minutes making fun of everybody and them not noticing.  It was kind of cool hanging out with her too though.  It just bothers me, because I am so apt to jump the gun in regards to relationship/with people that I over think things and just generally stress myself out for no reason.  The transition from being like “best friends.” To fuck buddies/more doesn’t just happen overnight, and I realize this.  But holy shit, I can not control my emotions sometimes.  This is why girls talk about being on emotional rollercoasters I bet.  Because unlike men they have to be crazy all the time. 

Regardless though, even though she and I have already hooked up, and we had a nice night of cuddling, I still have to wonder, why people are patient?  It drives me utterly nuts.  I have always been someone to go-get and grab the girl I wanted.  Except, in this case, the girl I want; I don’t want just for a night and it’s extremely strange.  Call it cliche, but I think when the opportunity is right, and with enough self-will, a tiger can change it’s stripes.  Regardless, I am going from a sort of “Tucker Max” Lifestyle… to a more tame one.  Maybe a straight Neil Patrick Harris one?  No, he’s a womanizer in all of his shows except for like… Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog.  Some nice guy celebrity that lives a monogymistic lifestyle that nobody cares about because he’s a nice guy.  I guess now that I’ve sort of come to terms with wanting to be a better person has really helped my cause a lot.  The only thing that disgusts me about this all is the fact that I am no longer as emotionally distant from everyone I know, and I feel like telling my close friends how I feel, something I’ve never experienced before in my life.  An impulse to share my emotional grievances with people who I have never asked for advice before in my life.  

Since I got in the mindset to start becoming a better person about a week ago… I have had three anxiety attacks.  I’ll continue battling on though, just because I clearly wasn’t happy with the lifestyle I was living before.  The fact that I am so used to being in control, is killing me.  Relationships are like a delicate dance, or a game of chess.  Always moving and acting accordingly to react to the other’s action.  You push and you pull, you hold your ground and you give it up.  I don’t understand why anybody does this to themselves, of course, I don’t even know why I’m doing it to myself.  Butterflies in your stomach kind of suck, they make you feel nauseous and when you are making your hair fall out stressing and worrying about “what if she decides to change how she feels?” and “should I trust her so much?”  Is just stupid.  I really just need to learn how to roll with life.

Regardless, it’s been about 2 months since I purchased a pack of cigarettes and I am feeling really good about myself. Although I feel like chainsmoking like a mother because of how much this change to my lifestyle is stressing me out. 

So I usually tend to be an asshole player, this blog is going to sort of chronicle me changing my life, and turning into a person that normal society won’t detest.  The main reason that I’m giving up the whole asshole player front I put up, is because in all actuality, I am a nice fucking guy.  I have younger siblings I always take care of, people come to me for advice, and I have a lot of (what I believe to be) intelligent insight to people’s lives, to advise them and ultimately help them be happier in general.  On the weekends, I usually put on a non-caring front so that I can get laid, and treat some random girl I just met like dirt in the process.  Yes, if you are an asshole, girls will sleep with you.  Anybody who says otherwise is a liar.  Regardless, I diverge.  The reason I am trying a lifestyle change, is because I’m not happy with how I’m living.  What really tipped me off as to my unease, was when one of my best friends, the only girl I’ve talked to regularly since my freshman year told me that she was in love with me.  I have no idea why anybody can care about me, people only see the worst side of me, because I have developed a defense-mechanism over the years to disregard other human beings as disposable (especially the opposite gender.)  Regardless, just because I truly do care about her, and have decided she is somebody I can potentially pursue romantic interest with, I am willing to make some lifestyle changes to help satisfy her needs.  And to make her interest in me a satisfied one.  There aren’t very many people I would change my attitude or lifestyle for, and considering as how I am willing to for her, that means (or so I think) that I truly do care about her.  Regardless, the fact that I am overthinking, and worried about her changing her mind in regards to caring about me is proof enough to my logic-intense mindset that I am in fact just as human as everybody else, and willing to take a risk to potentially share my life with somebody else.  Thus, my adventure to become a better person has begun, and is officially chronicled.