It’s really weird, how I only feel anxious about this girl when I am worried about what she’s doing, mainly partying or just hanging out with people when I’m not there. It’s a really unhealthy impulse I have to try and control everything, naturally, being able to manipulate people into doing anything I wanted to for the last 2-3 years doesn’t help this at all. But, my control-freak’ness is going to end up being the death of me. I don’t know how to relax and I have even less of a clue, to not worry. This whole jealousy thing I have going on is really unbecoming, and it’s extremely hard to keep locked up. They say you have to be able to control your demons to exorcise them (unless they are saying exercise, doubtful) but holy shit. This is a demon and a half for someone like me to deal with. I am going from being able to smooth talk any girl at any point in my life, into anything. To just letting things happen, take their course, and holding my tongue. Which is why I think this whole anxiety thing is happening. I am so worried about what she is doing, that I can’t even calm down. I don’t know how anybody has a meaningful relationship with anybody else if they get bothered like this just because someone is busy. It’s really, really, REALLY an unbecoming trait to have to care too much, and maybe this influx of caring that I haven’t felt in the last few years is what is causing me to do this… overcompensation of caring. It could also be the fact that I am damaged goods, because the first real girlfriend I had/cared about could have pulled a Maury episode with me with how many times she cheated on me. Love sucks, it’s way easier to hide in a shell and just take a step the fuck back and judge everybody else’s life while living an empty one yourself. But I want to prove to myself that there is a point to this all, because ultimately, if this is a worst case scenario, my experiment failed, there is no hope for me to share any sort of emotions with any other human-being, and ultimately I am destined to die alone, either surrounded by whores, or doing something awesome, like said whores.
Regardless, maybe I’ll get more into my rocky past with women in a future note. Good night tumblr world. Try and spread word around about me, I need feedback. Doing stuff like this anonymously to make myself better is a really tough thing to do, and when I don’t get feedback, it’s even harder to tell whether I am reversing or going forward in a pursuit to become a better person.